The World Outside, 26
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The Sunday evening before the wedding, Joanna was in her room, packing things up. She’d been feeling a lot better lately, and she was relieved to be in the home stretch. She didn’t understand couples who wanted long engagements, who said they just wanted to have fun for a while before settling down. Engagement, to her, was like all the angst of dating and all the pressure of marriage, without any of the fun of either. She knew Erik felt the same way. He’d picked her up the day before and taken her to the bank, where they’d closed their individual accounts and opened a joint one. He’d also given her keys to the cabin and to the truck. It was in the top two or three of sexiest days she’d ever spent with him, and he’d barely had the presence of mind to kiss her on the cheek before lecturing her about budgets. She couldn’t help it; maybe it was regressive and embarrassing, but seeing him take things so seriously was the biggest turn-on.
Poppa knocked on her door and came in, the phone in his hand. “It’s Erik,” he said quietly. “He sounds distraught.”
She heard a sharp intake of breath as she put the receiver to her ear and then, in a tight voice, “Baby, I need you to get over here—now.”
Not even ten minutes later, she pushed through the front door of the cabin. It didn’t look like anything bad had happened in here. She saw him through the back door that led out to the beach—he was leaning against the deck railing. She raced through the length of the cabin, pushing the screen door so hard that it slammed back into the side of the house and made her shriek just a little bit.
Erik grabbed her in a hug; she still didn’t know what was going on, but then she glanced at Ro, lying in front of the chair like she did almost every day, and her heart sank. “Oh no,” she breathed and wrapped her arms around him. There was no doubt—a large, bloody gash in her side, her legs twisted the wrong way. “What happened?”
Erik stepped back and closed his eyes tight, squeezing the bridge of his nose and breathing hard. After a few moments, he cleared his throat and said mechanically, “A truck got her. He came around the curve too fast; she really didn’t have a chance.”
“Oh, Erik.” She tried to pull him to her again, but he didn’t seem to want that. He went to the porch railing instead, hanging his head and squeezing the wood with his hands until his knuckles turned white.
“The poor guy—he felt awful,” he said quietly. He sounded like he was trying to laugh, but it kind of got stuck in his throat and choked his voice. “I’m pretty sure he thought I was about to break his jaw.”
“Did you know the guy?”
“Nah,” he said, wiping his nose so fast that it could have been an accident and looking out over the water. He swallowed hard again. “Just some kid. Probably just got his license. I bet he won’t ever make this mistake again.”
Joanna didn’t know what to do; she just laid both hands on his back and stood there with him. A minute passed before Erik sighed sadly and glanced over his shoulder at Ro’s body before letting out a small groan and rubbing his hands over his face vigorously. His eyes were red and shining when he looked at Joanna again.
“What—what do you want to do with her?” she asked him.
“I want to bury her here.”
“Are we—is it okay to do that?”
Erik looked at her, clear-eyed, and said seriously, “I don’t care.”
Right, she told herself. Her soon-to-be husband wanted to bury his dog on their soon-to-be land. Who was she to stop him?
He wanted to wait until there weren’t so many people around, so, for the time being, they covered Ro’s body with an old blanket and then sat quietly on the porch together. After a little while, she went in and made him a sandwich and brought it out to him with a beer. He took it gratefully, squeezing Joanna’s hand, but he only took a few small bites and sips before setting it all down next to him.
In spite of how inept Joanna was at comforting him—as opposed to being comforted by him—there was a real peace and intimacy on that porch that evening. This end of the beach was mostly occupied by families, who began to trickle into their cabins around sunset. They heard the echoes of children being put to bed, dinners being cleaned up, arguments being settled, but it was all muted. In front of them, the ocean glowed like a thick, inky pool, shimmering here and there where it caught the dying sunlight, and the whoosh of the waves anchored Joanna.
The last few months had been so hectic, she realized that this was one of the first times she had ever sat on the porch and watched the sunset. She began to see why he loved his life here so deeply. This would be her home, too, in a week—she still didn’t feel like she’d wrapped her head around that.
Erik didn’t talk much over the course of the evening, but every now and then, he broke the silence to reminisce. To Joanna’s surprise, he was focused on memories of Josh, not Ro. He told her things about their friendship that she’d never known: conversations they’d had, bets they’d made, idiotic pranks they’d played. Most of it made her laugh, a few things made her cry. One in particular—apparently, Josh had come to this porch a few weeks after their graduation trip to settle things. Apologizing had been difficult for Josh, but he’d done it, and they’d shaken hands and then spent the next few hours doing exactly what she and Erik were doing now.
“He had so much life in him,” Erik mused at one point. “He wanted to see everything. But he always talked about coming back home when it was all said and done. He wanted his kids to have the life we had.” Joanna hadn’t known that about her brother.
“Do you think he’d be happy for us?” she asked him quietly. Erik laughed.
“Whether he’d be happy or not, I don’t think he’d let anyone else marry you.” Joanna smiled—that was probably true. “I asked Bruce to be my groomsman, by the way,” he continued. Joanna nodded; he’d told her that already. “And I decided to make Josh my best man anyway. We can have a candle or something where he’d be. There just isn’t anyone else I want with me.”
+++
Much later that night, when the cabins around them had been dark and quiet for a long time, Erik got his shovel and met Joanna in the front. She held a flashlight for him, shivering, while he dug a hole in the miniscule strip of scrubby grass. He went back around to the porch and, a couple of minutes later, he was back, carrying Ro—still wrapped up in the blanket—gently in his arms. He knelt down slowly in front of the hole and laid her in.
Quietly, resolutely, he stood back up, took the shovel from Joanna, and began to fill the hole back in.
When he finished, they both stood back and looked down at her resting place for a long, silent time.
“Thanks for everything, Ro,” he finally said quietly. Then, more quietly, he added, “And thanks, Josh.”
“They were both loved, and they’ll both be missed,” she said, feeling awkward.
Erik kissed Joanna sweetly, lingering when it was over. They walked back inside, and he settled back on the couch with a loud sigh, not bothering to wash the dirt from his hands. Joanna stayed for a little while longer, making him a plate of eggs and some toast, which he ate with more gusto than he’d eaten the sandwich. They listened to some music and snuggled on the couch. Joanna felt good, being there when he needed her. She tried her best, but she was, at bottom, a selfish and self-absorbed person. Making the evening about him, instead of herself, felt good. Maybe that was why he and Josh had always seemed so light and carefree—all they’d ever thought about was other people.
It was around one in the morning when Erik laid down and asked, yawning, if she wanted him to drive her home. He was already half asleep, so she smiled and said no. She covered him with a sweatshirt she found on the floor next to the couch; he squinted up at her and stroked her cheek with his finger. “Thanks for coming,” he murmured. She bent down to give him a kiss; he was asleep by the time she stood back up.
+++
For the next five days, Joanna and Erik didn’t see much of each other. Mary flew into Portland and then, a few days later, Shoshana arrived. The three of them, along with Mrs. Wynn and Mrs. Donovan, finally settled on Joanna’s dress: a cap-sleeved, ivory, eyelet, knee-length dress she found at a consignment shop in the Old Port. They got their nails done, laid out on the beach, hoping for a last-minute tan, packed up the rest of Joanna’s things and shopped for some housewares for the cottage. Mary and Shoshana treated Joanna to a wardrobe full of lingerie, cackling cheekily as she blushed and stammered over the chemises, teddies, and underwear sets.
Any downtime was spent preparing the wedding favors and the side dishes for the reception. Poppa stored coolers full of lobsters from Mr. Bennett in the garage; the flowers were stored in buckets there, too.
Everything was happening so fast—Joanna just tried to hang on tight.
The rehearsal dinner was scheduled for Friday evening; on Thursday, Mary and Shoshana took Joanna out for sushi and gelato and bombarded her with questions, suggestions, and encouragement about the wedding night. “Getting excited?” Shoshana asked with a wink.
“All the more so, now that I have all that stuff from you guys!”
“You know all that stuff is for the girl, right?” Mary said, already halfway through her third glass of water. She’d be peeing for the rest of the night, Joanna thought, eyeing her. “I mean, Erik’s going to think you look hot, but then he’ll just rip it off and it’ll lie in a corner until you remember to toss it in a hamper.”
Shoshana laughed, elbowing Mary. “Yeah, he’s just going to want you. You could be in a slinky nightie and covered in oil or in paint-covered overalls.”
“With greasy hair and morning breath!” Mary crowed. They laughed.
“Okay, so how bad does it hurt?” Joanna asked sheepishly, when the laughter died down. “I mean, seriously?”
“Just tell him to go slow,” Shoshana said. “You’ll be sore for a few days. But it’ll be worth it.”
+++
Mary had to get to the airport by 7:00 on Saturday morning, in order to pick up Andy, so she went to bed as soon as they got home from the rehearsal dinner on Friday. Shoshana and Joanna stayed up until after midnight, tying up loose ends and talking about Shoshana’s upcoming auditions. Joanna shoved Mary to the side of the bed when they finally went upstairs—she was as deep a sleeper as she’d been in middle school—and then she got in the middle, with Shoshana on her other side.
Shoshana fell asleep pretty quickly, but Joanna was awake long enough to see the clock flip to 2:00. She finally slept, stirring only a little when Mary’s alarm went off, and woke up just after eight, when Shoshana shook her shoulder and put a cup of coffee and a bag of ice cubes on the bedside table.
“Ice is for depuffing—wake up, bright eyes!” she said, laughing softly.
Joanna slumped downstairs—semi-caffeinated, semi-depuffed, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt—about twenty minutes later. Mary had just returned and was racing into the house like a hurricane, with a sleepy-eyed Andy in tow. Andy gave everyone a loose hug and then went upstairs to sleep for an hour or so before they needed to leave for the ceremony. In the meantime, Poppa made several trips back and forth to the cottage, delivering food and extra chairs, and the girls settled down under the capable hands of Mary’s aunt, who was providing free hair and makeup.
By the time everyone was made up, coiffed, and dressed, there was barely enough time for the photographer to snap a few pre-ceremony photos before Mary cleared her throat and said, “Okay, we really have to go now.” She had Joanna’s honeymoon bag over her shoulder, ready to set it down inside the cottage once they arrived.
Only Kathy, the pastor’s wife, was inside when they arrived; everyone else was already out on the beach, waiting. Joanna peeked through the closed curtains. She saw people milling around, finding their seats. Bruce, Erik, and the pastor were all standing up front. Bruce and the pastor were chatting easily. Erik was standing still, facing the water. Joanna’s breath caught when she saw him—even from the back, he looked so serious. She loved having this extra minute to watch him without him knowing.
And then, it was suddenly time. Kathy lined them all up by the door: Shoshana, Mary, and then Poppa and Joanna. Mary reached behind her to grab Joanna’s hand, and Joanna felt her heart start to pound in her chest. The pastor’s voice carried inside, Kathy opened the door to let Shoshana go, and it began.
Poppa hooked Joanna’s hand to his elbow, his other hand resting on top of hers. “Your brother and I talked about this, you know,” he told her quietly as Shoshana stepped out. She looked at him, confused. He was starting straight ahead, his face as serious as she’d ever seen it. “A few days before he left. He told me what happened at that carnival and what he and Erik had done.” Poppa nodded and then cleared his throat. Mary blew a kiss over her shoulder and stepped out. “He said, ‘I bet you a thousand bucks, Pop, that they’ll be married before ten years is up.’ I wasn’t sure I wanted to believe it—that sounded so young—but I guess he was right, huh?”
Someone changed the music outside; everyone stood, craning their necks to see in. Kathy waved them through.
“Poppa,” Joanna began, her voice cracking.
“None of that, Jojo,” he said quietly, patting her hand again. “You’ll be fine.” He gestured to the door, where Kathy was still waving them to move forward. “Here we go.”